havent been feeling mentally stable these days.

here's why:

11Feb[Mon]:
went to take the trans telephonic thingy at heart centre.
its a device that records heart beat
and its portable.
after which, i call a number,
then transmit the signal through house phone.
dull actually.

13 Feb[Wed]
appt @ specialist clinic[endocrinology]
i was late.
having been stuck in the free shuttle bus around heart centre
mini traffic jam,
cos mr president was there =)
so was doc. very late actually.
during consultation,
still couldn't come up with a diagnosis at all.
asked me whether i am suffering from depression.
total crackpot while there.
asked her for some form of confirmation so that i can submit a letter to the director for deferment.
was rejected, instead was given 1 month's MC from 13 feb-13 March
yes, i totally understand the predicament the doctors are in.

came home,
my aunt next door started to blabber some rubbish to my uncle again.
when is this going to stop???!!!


14 Feb[thurs]
almost all the tutors are chasing me for the feedback & stuff.
scared the hell out of me when i saw the sch no. appear on my caller id. =.=
dragged myself to sch.
met up with momo, who gave me this:



VERY BIG THANK YOU.! =)))

saw renee&andrew @ blk m.
alicia accompanied me while waiting to meet ms pat & chris chia.
i'm being pressed for the letter & animation assignments =(
met up with cheryl&peiyun =)


reached home,
that's when disaster struck.
was interogated by my uncle.
received a lecture the size of an atomic bomb.
and who made the 'bomb'??
who else?
felt that i've been done a great injustice.
i absolutely don't deserve this kind of shit coming out from the brains of thrash of humanity.
couldn't bear it, so teared a little.
why is it so difficult to understand the situation now??
yes, so the doc cant do anything but to give 1 mth mc.
yes, the sch will call to ask why mc so long.
yes, i must try to ask the 2 docs to write that i'm unable to attend sch now, that more tests have to be done before giving a diagnosis.
YES here, Yes there, Yes everywhere.
-super pissed-

tried my very best to explain what is required, and what the docs CAN & CANNOT do for me.
but that IDIOT next door just butted in,
keep saying,
''NO LAR! Last Time poly won't let u defer so easily ah... they will definitely ask for a DETAILED medical report when u submit the letter to the director.they will also ask why the doctor give u so long MC, 1 month leh! i dun even get so long before lo.."

i answered:" The docs can't even come up with a diagnosis, how to come up with a report??They are professionals, cannot anyhow write reports until they are sure what im suffering from.Tests need time, doctors need time, i also need time, BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME! semester's ending soon, new academic year's starting ard mid-april, the sch has to do all the paperwork..
tell Pm alrdy, he knows whats happening, just write a simple letter then ask the docs to write some form of acknowledgement can le. the problem now's that the doc can only give MC.
but the Mc useless lo, cos it only covers the last 3 weeks of sch, cos sch ends in feb..Besides, last time is last time, now is now. Times have changed. The one who's involved knows the situation better than others."

my thoughts:
*u wan to have the 1mth MC issit? i give u lo. u're stuck at home cos the doc ask u to rest, then u everyday stay at home alrdy used to it, why not give u?? dun have to dig a rift between my uncle and me..u nvr get this long mC before doesn't mean that i cannot get.*



then she raised her voice:" even if doc dun wan write medical report, just call up the clinic to write at least smth to acknowledge that u're unwell or smth, at least got proof that u not lying to the sch. yanling, words are empty leh. i also can anyhow say that i sick, then i everyday stay at home play computer for as long as i want. so must ask the doc to write a simple note to provide proof first.chengkiat arh, make sure to call the doc tmrw leh.."


i shoot back:"i also know that words are empty wad. but the doc also cannot do anything about it right?! i never everyday play com. i also got do drawing and stuff related to my course. so i'm not wasting my time at home."*stare at her straight in the eye*


*if u want to say bad about me, just say. dun have to go one round and shoot me. i can accept criticisms head on. no problem!*


she replied:" YA, i know what u saying. just call the clinic again lo. if nvr write, send a formal letter requesting for report on the long MC.send send send until the doc fed-up and reply"


*ya, u know..only when hell freezes over. the mc's useless.! let u twist until the Mc become the important thing..and i'm not going to be pestering the doc when i know its a lost cause.*



and the shooting war lasted for 45mins................


my uncle said sternly:" okay, i'll call the heart centre and endocrine for u tmrw regarding the MC. then u write the letter alrdy?"

i said:" havent yet. cos i dun even know how to write when i dun even know whether the doc giving me the acknowledgement/Mc anot just now.btw, the Mc not.."

my uncle started to give me the hairdyer treatment:" why u need to take so long arh? i thought i told u to show it to tua um[my big uncle's wife] during new year? why u become so lazy now? do u know that tua peh very angry with u? write a letter need to take so long meh? we never say out doesn't mean that u can just slack at home doing nothing.!.why u cannot be like jiejie&korkor? keep on giving problem.......!"

.....................................................................................................................................................................


yeah,
P-R-O-B-L-E-M.
i'll never see my uncle in the same light again.
why can't adults clear their mind and think rationally??
can't they tell the difference between truth&lies?
the one who's suffering is me, not aunt.!
yeah, she got thyroids also, but its LAST TIME.!
LAST TIME, for goodness sake!
if u think that everyone experiences the same syndrome&eats same doseage of medicine,
will i still need docs?
if liddat, i can also eat anything i want..
and she's NOT my mother to boot.
i will not be stuck under her thumb doing her bidding like a puppet.
just because of her nonsense, now even my ah ma seemed so distant to me.
no one actually believes me anymore.
what can i do??
if i ever suffer from depression, it'll be her who cause it.

really on the verge of exploding and gonna scream at my uncle,
but my roots came back to me.
i've grown up in an environment when i've been taught not to be disrespectful to my elders.
so i refrained myself.


the word problem has been etched deep into my brain.
i'll never forget this scenario, ever.
it'll remind me that trust is difficult to be gained, yet easily broken.

cried my heart out..
how i wished i could just knock some truth into everybody's heads..
so that they'll know what kinda situation im in..
never told my mum abt this,
cos i dun want her to worry anymore..
tried to sleep, but couldn't.
am i too kind for my own good..?
did i do the right thing by not exploding..?

somehow, deep in my heart,
i knew----
yanling is dead alrdy.
she's been broken to pieces
and she's hoping that she'll NEVER be humpty dumpty,
when all the king's horses and all the king's men
couldn't put humpty dumpty together again.


15 Feb[Fri]
nth much.
just having hangover abt ytd's words..
went downstairs to fetch my cousin.
the my aunt went for pre-natal checkup.
also must announce till everybody know.
i never even called her.
dun give a damn anymore.
never in my life have i really done smth like that.
i don't know why i did it.

my ah ma finally asked me openly wads wrong with me.
so i told her everything.
there was a tinge of sadness on her face,
but i know that it can't be helped.
pls, get the damn illness out of me.
fast.


16 Feb[Sat]
was dragged to chingay parade by my parents.
all the smiles i had were fake.
smiling makes me sadder by the minute.


17 Feb[Sun]
empty day as well.
nth seems the same ever again.
nobody has lifted my spirits.

Labels: sunken ship