match ytd was..............[fill in the blanks]
and my morale was damn low to the limit
especially right after the game itself.
really felt like running away..

mistakes,
some stupid,
some embarassing.
especially when xiao yuan fouled out..
i've never experienced this kind of extreme negativity towards myself
ever since the time when i scored an own goal during B girls north zone when i was in sec 3,
and the time when i missed the final free throw which decided the final for north zone in the same year.

was totally overwhelmed by it,
and both these costly mistakes came back to haunt me.
was so hurt by it,
that tears just rolled down when i apologised.
its silly to cry,
but cant control myself.
kept on thinking,
why do these things always happen to me?
when even those things that i did out of goodwill can cause others to suffer?

there weren't answers to my questions..

but i agree with what jinghui said after the game:
u have to earn ur playing time


i dun feel that i've earned the right to play almost the entire match itself
when the bench could've played more.
my stamina really isn't up to the standard,
when i couldn't even last the first quarter itself.
my heart beat so fast,
that i was on the verge of fainting.
i was so scared that i might collapse on the court
and just die like that.
throughout the match,
have been battling within myself
yet i had no conclusion.

went home after team talk,
and i had to pretend that everything was normal,
lest my family finds out what i've been up to.
as i looked at the orange jersey secretly in my room,
i really felt that i'm not fit to wear it at all.
until i reorganise my feelings
and improve my stamina,defense,
i will not be happy wearing it.

there are many things which i don't know,
but i do know for sure that
im responsible for the path that i take.
and that i cannot take it lying down that
i have to quit playing bball so suddenly.
since i chose to play ball again,
i must make sure that i play beyond my limit
and stop with a bang.
.......................................................................................................................

the time now is 11.50pm.
now that i've reached home and bathed,
i can finally say...:
IM IN SUPER BIG TROUBLE NOW.

my father practically cornered me
and interrogated me like its F-O-C =(
i hate this kind of double-life.

absent for sch,
cos had the runs and vomitted.
drank 1/2 a bottle of collamix
and felt much better in the evening.

slipped out,
and went nyp
for frenly against ITE.
really no mood to even touch the ball itself.
cos i am constantly reminded of yesterday.
no rebounds, not aggressive enough.
no.6 kept kiao-ing me,
and i even received 2 hits on the face for FREE.
WTF.
actually wanted to retaliate,
but knew better than to play 'angry' ball.

had team talk after that,
then chionged home.
camp's cancelled
cos all rooms were booked.
so trgs start at 8am.
its a challenge to even leave the hse unnoticed at 9am.
oh my god.

tmrw's lecture day.
the most boring&time wasting day of the week